I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
