Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
