My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
