what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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