Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
