yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
