tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
