Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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