this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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