she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
