You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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