I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
