Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
