i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize