I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
