we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
