if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
