I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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