I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
