If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
