my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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