Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
