your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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