I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
