I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
