I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Welp...herpes.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
