I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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