I smell stomach acid.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
