This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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