I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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