I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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