Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
