Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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