If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
