You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
