I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
