I love black thongs
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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