well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
