true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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