I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
this hospital has no fireball
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
