i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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