not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
well you can't waste a boner
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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