Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
