Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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