Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
