Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
