We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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