He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just cropdusted the office
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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