I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
