The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
