The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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