i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
