Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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