Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
