My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
