now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
