I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
