i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The uberlube is also flammable
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
