Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
